She's a Pillow Away
by VP
Summary: Buffy has been kicked out fo her house, but instead of seeing Spike, she makes her way to L.A. Completed!
1. Hello Mr Knife

Incredibly dark! Not for people who love Cordy. A little Spike without-a-soul bashing too.  
  
TITLE: She's a Pillow Away.  
  
AUTHOR: VP  
  
EMAIL: devilsangel67292@aol.com  
  
RATING: R, for death and swearing.  
  
COUPLES: B/A lightly.  
  
DISCLAIMER: Yeah, right.   
  
DISTRIBUTION: My site. Want it? Take it.  
  
SUMMARY: Dark and deals with death. buffy visits Cordy in the hospital  
  
SPOILERS: I'll just say that Chosen hasn't happened and Buffy dindt see Angel yet. She has been kicked out of her house though, but no Spike stuff. Everything else is game on Angel and Buffy.And Cordy is in a hospital not the hotel. Some things from the pst are changed too. So not total canon.  
  
FEEDBACK: Well, do you want me to write more?  
  
Author's note: I was inspired by a story I read that involved Cordelia and I couldn't wait to see her die. Though, I wrote this in ten minutes beta-ed it in 30. I hope its okay. I just went with it so the ending isn't as I originally planned it to be...  
  
Buffy's POV  
  
I stood above her, watching her breath in and out. She was so fragile infront of me, but still beautiful. She was an angel laying there. Cordelia was always good at playing the queen, being the center of attention. Happily, she stole my spotlight and tunred everyone's attention on her.  
  
Her face was still ravishing as if she never frowned or cried, unlike mine, I can only imagine the lines I have, a story beihnd each one. The scars I have are a rememberence that I was never normal. I never got to be the prom queen, but then again neither did she. And why didn't she? Because I split her vote. Yep, I found a way to get her back. Those days after Homecoming, I pretended that our relationship had changed, but I always knew the truth. Cordy is a tramp, and will always be a tramp.  
  
The rush I got from seeing her face was priceless. She looked like she would rather have had the slayerfest knock her out. I wish it had. Then none of this would have happened. The past few years wouldn't be anything and I might still have him,  
  
I sit myself down in the chair in her room, I can smell him on it. Angel comes to visit his queen every so often to see if she is okay. I can sense his longing for her to awaken, open her eyes once more and talk to him. I wonder if he tries kissing her like in sleeping beauty? Angel feels guilty that maybe he did this to her, but I don't care. She deserves pain. Angel is a loser anyway right? What do I need with a loser? Oh god, who am I fooling? Certainly not you.  
  
I only wish she would wake up so that she would know she is about to die. I want to see the look of betrayal burning in her eyes as she can't stop me. I want to smile gravely down at her as I'm the last thing she sees or knows. I want to explain my motives kind of like a villian does in a movie right before the superhero saves the day. The only difference is I'm the superhero, and she's just nobody.  
  
I might as well tell her anyway. It won't be as if she can stop me. I want to at least get it off my chest. Though, I wish that she'd look at me and know all the pain I've been through as she feels it in my death touch. I've always been the grim reaper in my life. eveyrthign I touch fades away. I want her to know that her Angel can't stop me. He never could.   
  
"Well Cordelia. You suck!" Great way to start huh Buffy? But I don't care. I can feel the tears pricking at my eyes. Why am I crying? She should be the one crying? She the one who is about to die right? I dont think its possible for me to die anymore. Third time is the charm though.  
  
"You get everything. The high life, the clothes, the popularity. Worst of all you got Angel. You got to see him everyday, you got to watch him grow and change. What did I get? A stupid non-goodbye and a few visits to mess with things and a day that never happened! Yep. He doesn't know that I know, but Spike told me.{I hate the Spuffy stuff so this is Spike playing with Buffy's mind to try and manipulate her into loving him. This wasn't souled Spike though.} I dont know how Spike knew, but he did. He informed me that Angel gave his humanity up because once he had it, he knew that he didn't want to share it with me. He'd rather live forever. It's different for you isn't it?" I walked around her and picked up the pillow from under her head.   
  
"He wants his humanity to share it with you!" It wasn't fair. Why did she get to see him everyday, and I didn't. I was forced to sit back and let my life go to hell. My friends kicked me out, the didn't trust me when they should have! And Cordy gets everything again!  
  
And I took another look at sleeping beauty. I wihs I could be her, well not look like her, because my hair is better, but have what she has with Angel. Queen fucking C, gets everything. She got the trust and his love. She got his attention and care even though the curse is still there. She got to know him longer than I did. She gets to see him and fight with him and work with him. Look where it got her, she got to become a seer. She got him to rely on her everyday for visions. Without her he would be nothing.  
  
I want that! I want to be the one he runs to! I want to be the one he can't do without. I want him to brood over me some more. He didn't even come to my grave! But no-he comes everyday to see her. he comes to pray she'll wake while thinking its his fault she's like this. It isn't, it's hers. It's his fault I'm like this. He ruined me for anyone else. Cordy is evil, fucks his son, has a demon god child and she is still the hero. Everyone thinks she was taken advantage of. Everyone believes she is good. I know the truth. Cordelia will always have the same selfish core, but he can't see it.  
  
"You dont deserve his love. All you do is mess with things and screw them up. You lie and bring about apocolyses and he still loves you! He still worships the ground you walk on because you're Cordelia. You're powerful, you've got visions. Most of all I think it's because you chose to become half a demon. Just like he chose to let Darla bite him." It's not right or fair, but it doesn't matter.   
  
"I get stuck with this crappy job, 'calling' whatever. And he leaves me. And you choose it and he loves you for it!?! I've saved more lives than you have. Sorry that I don't think killing is the most fun thing in the world, scratch that! I think killing you will be the most fun thing in the world."  
  
I can't believe I'm going to do it, but I am. She deseveres that. I never thought it would end this way, with me here. I never thought I'd run myself down this road to self destruction. I know it in my heart that I must be good for something, but I can't seem to hold onto the pillow hard enough or push it into her face with enough force. She's still alive and I remove the pillow in defeat.  
  
"You're lucky that I can't do that. I'm not like you Cordelia, I don't kill people and ruin lives on purpose. I don't steal things and break hearts and guess what- I'm not a whore who opens my legs to any guy she can...no wait maybe I am a whore, but thats not the point. I died okay?" I knew I was more arguing with myself than I was with her. I was trying to make msyelf feel better but the more I thought about it, the more we started to sound alike.  
  
"You didn't die did you? You didn't go to heaven and have to come back did you?..oh wait...you did." I was stunned. Cordy did move on to a higher plane and she did have to come back. While I thought I was a demon and came back wrong, she actually did come back incomplete. So doesn't that make me worse than her? Doesn't that mean I am lower than she is? She did, after all decide that she wanted this life. Bravely, she looked it in the eye of evil and embrassed the darkness, his darkness.  
  
"No you didn't!" I argued with myself again "You told him that you saw what he did and you didn't want him! You told him that you saw him kill those babies and you couldn't look at him. You're not like me at all. I loved them both. Angel... Angelus, what was the real difference anyway? They are both bastard idiots! At least I could have sex with Angelus without him lossing his personality."  
  
I looked at her, waiting for her to answer me, but she didn't. Cordy didn't even blink or move. Why didn't she move? Why didn't she wake up and yell back at me. I just want to die. Suddnely my thoughts went back to the knife I had in my pocket. I had brought it in case I was attacked, but deep down I think I knew what it was really for. I was to kill myself tonight. Not Cordelia.  
  
"I hope you're happy." I said it loudly as I stared at the knife, holding it out infront of me briefly. I willed with all my might for Cordy to open her eyes to give me a reason to stab her, but I couldn't because she stayed far away and was safe in her coma.  
  
Suddenly, I heard footsteps in the hallway. I could sense him and he could sense me in that weird way he always could. In moments, I knew he would enter the room and I would have to choose. Would I put the knife away? No, I know that wont happen. Will I kill Cordelia? I can't kill someone else...a human.  
  
"You're not human you know. So technically, I'd be aloud." I whispered knowing that Angel can hear my words and probably can smell the steel as he runs closer to the doors entrance, but he won't find me. The Buffy he knew is long gone. And even if he did get to this Buffy in time, he'd only hate her and distrust her like everyone else does. I don't blame them anymore. They were right. Look at what I was about to do.   
  
'Love makes you do the whacky.'   
  
Now, I know I should have come to L.A. when Angelus was here. He would have given me something other than pain. I could have gotten pleasure from my death if it had come from him. It would have been nice knowing that Angel would have me on his list, 'people I've killed and now regret'. I don't know if he'd want to undo it though. Maybe that's why I stayed away.  
  
I feel the knife slicing into my neck as I cut it deeply, watching the blood poor out from underneath my fingers. I cut into my flesh as hard as I could with the slayer strrngth. So deep that this Buffy even cut bone. I know she doesn't want them to be able to save her. As the body that belonged to her falls to the ground, I can hear him rushing into the room. Opening the doors wiht his vampire power, he gasps in shock.  
  
I know that maybe I wanted to live, but she doens't. I don't know who I am and where she begins. She's my darkness. She's the slayer. I'm just a little girl. I think they're all wrong about the slayer concept. I am not the chosen one, my body holds two people. The slayer and Buffy. Buffy loves life and wants to be happy. The slayer wants it ot end and be free once again. My whole life I thought I was going to win, but as life drains from me, I know she's won. She always wins.  
  
Listending to his staggering breathing, hey why is he breathing?, I briefly wonder if he;s upset about my death. About neevr seeing me again. Maybe I was wrong, maybe he does love me. Maybe he is sad I'm gone. Maybe he wishes he'd come sooner. Maybe he's losing the love of his life. Maybe she just did somehting incredibly stupid, but then I remember Cordy on the bed as I look up to see her with the last once of power she has left. She's still got that pillow over her head. He can tell she's alive though. I know a vampire always can.   
  
I wonder if he'll go to her first. I don't get the chance to find out. My eyes gloss over as I feel my life slipping from my grasp. I don't want it anymore and neither does she. Maybe he did love me once, but she never deserved it.  
  
And finally, I know that I'll get to see what hell was like for him. What it felt to be tortured forever, God knows I couldn't take it on earth. I just hope it's easier down there. I know it won't be; he's not there.  
  
The End  
  
This turned from an angry fic about Buffy killing Cordy into Buffy's suicide. I'm thinking of maybe doing a sequel where Angel kills himself or where Buffy didn't die because she was in the hospital when she slit herself. I wonder though....  
  
Feed Me! 


	2. Where does my sun set?

Thank you to all the people who sent me feedback on part 1. I totally forgot I had this story up here so I neglected to update as I wrote...sorry.  
  
Part 2  
  
Angel's POV...  
  
The truth is hard to swallow sometimes. I can't hide from any of it anymore. She tried to kill herself. I can't believe it. She was going to die because of me! Here I stand in-between two doors and I don't know which to choose.  
  
Buffy is laying inside the one to my left, machines hooked up her and a bandage over her neck. I want to hold her hand, to tell her I'm sorry, but I don't deserve it. She's better then I am.   
  
Cordelia is in the other room. She's unconscious also. I tell Cordy everything. She knows me inside out. So shouldn't I go talk to her, let my worries out?  
  
I feel like crying, but I know that now is not the time. I'm Angel, the protector, the strength guy. And the only two people who get to see me brake down are in the hospital. Morbidly, I'm glad Cordy is here. If Buffy would have attempted what she did anywhere else, she wouldn't have survived. You don't slit your throat when you are in the hospital. I know she wasn't thinking clearly.  
  
The sad part was that I could feel her on my way to see Cordy. I could sense her pain and anguish, and I didn't care. I wanted her to be mad at me for moving on. I yearned for her to pay for her relationship with my grandvampire. I needed to see her fall down, but most of all, I needed to know that she would fall because of me. For so long, I've blocked her and the feelings that come without. I didn't want to love someone like that. I never asked for her to come into my life because I'm sick of feeling guilty.  
  
If I would have come quicker, I don't know if she would have slit herself sooner or if I could have stopped her. I wish I knew how she found out about Cordelia and I. But I imagine it must be the same way I found out about Spike. The First sure is a bitch.  
  
As I watch from my spot, perched against the cold wall, I feel my skin burning. Why couldn't she come talk to me? Why did she have to try and kill Cordelia? What possibly could have persuaded her that death was the only way out?  
  
The sun has been up for hours now, but I still can't move. My muscles are frozen and my whole body sags. I can feel my eyes dropping, and I want to rest. Actually, I want that final rest. As much as I'm angry and resentful at Buffy for what she's done to herself, I secretly respect it. She did what she wanted. I've felt like letting go and I've wanted to, but hadn't out of fear. It's sad to think that the only reason I'm still here isn't because of my friends or my shanshu or even her, it's because I'm too much of a coward to say good-bye again.  
  
The ironic thing is that I say good-bye a lot. Okay, so maybe I used to just walk away in a cloud of smoke, but I'm different. I've changed. Maybe I've changed so much that even when she waked up, it won't matter. Maybe she'll reach for a knife again and finish herself off? I'm digressing because I don't want to think about everything.  
  
Back to the subject on hand, I said good-bye to the vampire community when I gained my soul; I said good-bye to LA when Buffy moved to good ol' Sunnydale. When she sent me to hell, I kind of said good-bye. When I came to LA I told her I wasn't going to say good-bye, just leave. Come to think of it, when did I ever say good-bye at all? It certainly wasn't when I undid the day I cherish, or when I undid Conner being my son or when I watched Doyle die or when came to visit her on Thanksgiving. I've never said it to anyone before, that's what makes it so hard.  
  
You're probably thinking that it's impossible not to say good-bye! And you're part right. The only time I can actually recall letting something go with a good-bye would be when I went to visit her grave. No one knew that I went. I slipped away from the monastery and said my good-byes. I can still remember how the grass had just started growing in and how I think I killed some of it with the salty tears I cried that night. Saying good-bye is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I can't do it again! So that's why I'm not dead. I'm too ashamed to just die and not leave a note or something to explain myself so that no one feels blame, but I can't write that letter because I can't say good-bye anymore.  
  
It's so messed up and complicated, just like her life.  
  
Buffy used to be my light. She'd take me to places that were only possible in my dreams. My heart grew when I was with her, and I fell so madly in love and dependent on that love, that I couldn't see straight. In retrospect, I know I took it for granted. I assumed that it wouldn't hurt as much as it did when I was away. I didn't expect my heart to fall out and shrivel. I didn't assume that I'd freeze over inside, and all the walls I've since build up are surrounded by me acting like a dork. I guess I thought that everyone would thick I was okay if I acted silly. And it worked, but I know I pissed Wesley off a few times with my ill-timed idiocracy.  
  
I wish I could go back to the secret-night-boyfirend who kissed and made out through a window when his girl was grounded to her room. I even yearn for the days that she had me chained up at the mansion. That's kind of sad; I'll admit it. I'd rather be some hell-like bestial creature than myself.  
  
I should have grown up, but I haven't. The only thing I've been doing I searching for something to give my life meaning like it used to have. What did I come up with? Cordelia! What a shot in the dark that was! how could I have been so stupid. I should have know that no one could ever replace Buffy. I think I was angry and wanted revenge. She had Spike and she knows I hate him with a passion. So I can have Cordelia with whom she rivals against.  
  
Now, I've made my decision. I need to see Buffy. I need to go in that room and say good-bye. After all, her room is the only one with a window.  
  
To Be Continued... 


	3. Can't get away quicker

Part 3  
  
Buffy's POV  
  
He's walking into my room now, I think my heart has stopped thundering away in my chest by the way he's eyeing the machines in my room. It doesn't matter that they are buzzing and beeping. I feet as dead as dead can be.  
  
Angel slowly smiled at me which blew me away. I can see it from beneath my closed eyes. Thankfully, I can tell that he doesn't know I am awake which is unusual. Normally, Angel would be able to tell right away using his vampire powers. I remember one time, he knew I was awake in his arms but just laying there because I didn't want to leave. He tortured me with his sexy breathing as he tried to get me to admit I was awake when he went down on me. I can still recall exactly how his lips felt on me as he sucked me dry. I pretended to be sleeping the whole time, but I didn't fool him one bit.  
  
I wish we could do that again, but he probably doesn't want to considering that he doesn't love me anymore and that I tried to kill his new girltoy. Back then, it felt like I meant everything to him, but in retrospect, I finally get that he just wanted a good lay. He couldn't get it from me so he moved on. I tried to hold onto the belief that I gave him a happy because I was his true love, but I know that's bullshit. It was because I am the slayer. Any vampire would get extremely excited to be a slayers first. Hell- Spike jumped at the chance to just get me into bed, and I had already been used goods for a while.  
  
As I watch him, I don't know if he can't tell that I'm awake because we aren't as connected as we used to be or if it's his demeanor. He always looked extremely sexy when he was brooding.  
  
I can see him weakly smiling as he stares at me. His gaze is unnerving. The beeps are coming faster now as he keeps his eyes on me.   
  
For a moment, I know for sure that he is aware of my consciousness. Now I'm sure my heart is stopping, but he looks away! No, I thought he could tell! The curtain seems to gain his attentions once again. Slightly, through squinted eyes, I can't tell if the light is coming from the sun or the lamp. Why would it be the sun?  
  
I still can't believe I'm still here. I guess I was pretty lame to slit my own throat in a hospital. I don't think straight when it comes to Angel. My knees got wobbly and that familiar fire in the belly comes back that only he can bring to my body. The faster he leaves, the faster I can finish the job. As soon as the hospital knows I'm awake, I'll have a guard posted at the door to watch me. I can feel it in my bones. What does Angel want with me now though?  
  
It would be kind of cool if he'd jump me right here. That would feel nice. I can just imagine how forceful he'd be and how his anger at me would cause him to want to make me writhe in pain as he enjoyed himself ontop of me and inside of me. I think I'd get off on it too. I'm kinky huh? Mmmmm... just the thought of Angel naked gets me hot. Those beeps keep coming faster and faster.  
  
His standing there is really starting to bug me. I hate indecision! Fuck me, kill me or get out, but choose already! Is he waiting for me to wake up so he can yell at me for trying to kill Cordelia? I hope he is. I hope he kills me too. I heard this story through the grapevine {Okay, Spike told me.} that Wesley did something to piss Angel off. Somehow he got his throat slit too and ended up in the hospital. Angel almost killed Wesley that night with a pillow. The similarities are unsettling at best.  
  
I can't feel his hands on any of the pillows under my head so I assume he probably brought his own. I guess after you try killing people with cotton, you get attacked to a particular plush case. Angel was always overly attached to his swords. If I touched one of them he'd flip out on me, and go wash it. I swear that he popped one by cleaning those things more often than he did when I went down on him.   
  
Yeah, so I didn't own a kimono. It doesn't mean we didn't go buy me one the next day. Now I think we both are overly acquainted with 'rubbing our noses in it'. That's about the only thing we could do without him going all evil on me. It'd be nice if he'd go all evil in me actually. I'm sorry, I'm not usually this dirty or this horny for a matter of fact. I guess I've been away from his gorgeous body for too long. Hmmm. Cordy is really lucky.  
  
I can see his back facing me as he is looking at something. Maybe he is contemplating strangling me with that curtain cord. I might as well talk to him. What harm could it do?   
  
I can feel my eyes opening and I'm adjusting to the light in the room. Angel's hands were on the curtain cord as he twirled it around his fingers. He looked good; his hands looked good. What I wouldn't give to have those hands on my right now, even if it is only a physical thing! I'll take what I can get!   
  
It's been too long away, but I guess only Cordy gets such thoughts now huh? Subconsciously, I'm trying to fix my hair for him. I know I look like shit with this bandage on my neck. I feel like shit too.  
  
That's when it hits me! The lamps aren't on! It is the sunlight that's illuminating my room and Angel is holding onto the curtain cord. Oh God? What is he doing? Is he going to kill himself?   
  
Of course not. I'm being stupid. He's just waiting for me to wake up and keeping himself busy. That's what he's doing. Angel's too strong for a chicken shit thing to do like that. He isn't weak like me. Even though I kicked his ass to hell, he always dominated in bed.  
  
I can feel my spider sense screaming at me. I don't know what it means though. My mind is still fuzzy from almost dying and from my lusty Angel-body-part-in-my-mouth thought.  
  
"I'm sorry." I blurted out before I know it. But even his vampire hearing can't hear it because I couldn't talk. My vocal cords are totally gone. So what is a girl to do except enjoy the view of Angel's backside? I'd like to be riding his front side. I'm pretty sure that his soul would be safe with me now.  
  
I want to get his attention. Maybe then he'll come to kill me, to finish me off. Angelus always liked his victims to know the pain they were about to go through. I look to the table next to my bed. Conveniently, there is a crayon and a pad of paper there. I guess they knew I wouldn't be able to speak when I woke.  
  
I pick it up and start to write on it while Angel continues to stare at the window in his lala land. I don't know what the hell he is doing, but it's starting to scare me a little.  
  
After I finish scribbling down a few words on the pad, I knock my hand on the wall drawing his attention. Looking as if he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he spun to face me. Is that guilt I see there? Taking a step towards my bed, cautiously, I flinch and he stops walking. It was instinct to react that way; I know it. His eyes keep burning holes in me head.  
  
'How's Cordy? Is she dead yet?' reading my sign, he sighed. I can't tell what it means, but it was throaty and guttural like it always was when Angel gets serious. I remember the first time I learned that he could make such noises. He doesn't know that I remember this, but on that Halloween, we took a detour before hitting the kitchen. I don't know why 18th century Buffy did it, but I came onto him like he was the richest man in the world. And at the time, that was the only thing running through my mind. I was vain, so what. Angel looked so yummy even though he didn't have the musket. We felt each other up in the closet for a while and he made that noise. That's when me in my stupid big pouffy gown asked him if he'd consider being my suitor. I don't even think he felt guilty for copping a feel.  
  
I remember how he stuck his hands all the way up my gown and I didn't even stop him! I was supposed to be this well-bred socialite, but I was letting me touch me in places that 20th century me didn't even allow him to yet. They were fun places, and I touched him too. I really like the way his dick feels up against a corset. I get the feeling that if I was born around the time Angel was human, I would have been one of those sexually repressed rich woman who cracks and ends up having mad sex with some random sexy guy. I would like to think that sexy guy would have been Angel and we would have lived happily ever after, him as a mortal. I know it's foolish now.  
  
But back to reality, he could have been mad or angry or any other of the famous Angel feelings that get me into trouble. I don't regret writing that on the pad. I hope she does die. That scank doesn't deserve him. She's not even sort of special. Okay, so she ascended and became a goddess and whatnot, but I'm a slayer. So is Faith though. I know that Angel had fun pretending to be Angelus around Faith that one time. He told me it was fun to let loose sometimes and we played a lot of games where he pretended he was evil again. It was stupid, but hey like I said, I'm kinky. If I ever was face-to-face with Angelus again, I think I'd blush and I know he would take advantage of those memories to drive me insane. I hope he would reenact some of those memories too, but in stereo and including all the things Angel and I couldn't do because as much as we liked those Angelus games, we didn't want him coming back soon.  
  
"Hi. You're up." His voice cracked and I could have fainted to hear him speak. He doesn't seem to pay attention to my words. It feels like he doesn't want to acknowledge the situation.  
  
I'm shaking the sign at him again in emphasis. Looking away, he starts to speak in shame.  
  
"Why?" I know he is looking at his hands. I can't see it, but I know it. He seems saddened by something. I guess he wants an explanation so when he tells Cordy the story of killing the slayer it will be more interesting. I'm sure she'll love to hear how he finally killed me and I stayed dead after 5 times of a close call. One being the master, one being Glory, one being my own slitting of the throat, one being Angelus trying to kill me and the last being when he sucked my veins dry.   
  
I started to scribble down at the pad again, but he doesn't turn to look at it. I knock my hand against the wall and wait for him to turn and read it. Finally he does.  
  
'Cuz she's a big whore. She deserves it.' I could have sworn I heard a sob escape his throat, but I must be imagining things. Wishful thinking, I guess. It kind of reminds me of the way we used to be...happy.  
  
He keeps trying to gain his composure. I think he is at least. Maybe he's physcing himself up to grab my pillow?   
  
"No! Why?" After a long pause, he gestured to my throat. He wants to know why I killed myself?  
  
This time, he watches me write. His body is close to mine and I couldn't stand it because I can smell his mucky cologne. A long time ago, I used to love wrapping myself up in those shirts he had. They were so big, but so comfy.   
  
I can feel the heat pouring off of him even though I know he's still a vampire. He always had that charming quality of making me warm and wet, but that's another thing.  
  
I know I must be dead already now. This is the worst torture they could come up with. Having Angel next to me, acting like he cared as he used to is killing me all over again. I might as well prove it to myself that I'm here so I don't hold onto any false hope. 'Is this hell? Am I dead?'  
  
This time I know he sobbed for sure. Taking the pad and crayon away from me, he threw it away. He's mad. I can see it, but it doesn't look like he's mad at me. It's self directed hate. I'm starting to like this place and I know a smile is creeping its way on my lips. He deserves pain. I guess I really must have killed his lover, but I could have sworn I left her alive.  
  
Before I know what is happening, his arms are wrapped around me in a tight hug. The beeping on the machines sped up at least twice as fast. I think this means my heart is racing... Anyway, Angel has his arms around me, crushing him to him. I think he's trying to squeeze me so tight that he'll suffocate me.   
  
It feels nice to be held even if he is trying to kill me. His body always did feel like home and I can't think of a better way to exit this earth, if that's where I am now.  
  
"No. You're not dead. But this is hell." I don't know what he means by that. I guess when he's finished squeezing me, he'll show me what he is trying to say. I just hope he doesn't yell at me that much before he tortures me or whatever he has planned.  
  
To be continued. 


	4. Just the way I remember you

Part 4  
  
Also: Even though this one is still a serious chapter, I tried to make it lighter to ease up on the emotional angst. Think of it as a way of doing my own Macbeth 'porter scene'. I thought Angel deserved it...read on and you'll know what I'm talking about...hehehe  
  
**************************Part 4*****************  
  
Angel's POV  
  
I don't get it! I'm holding her in my arms, listening to her heart beat (both in her chest and on the machines), but I still can't feel her. This isn't the Buffy I know, but as much as she's changed I think I've finally realized something. She isn't responding to me because she doesn't understand me, the same way I don't get her. How can she be so jaded? I left her to have a better life and this is what she turns into?   
  
I never thought I would regret anything in my life like I do leaving her alone. She's a little girl, even more introverted than after she killed the Master. I guess it's like the same thing though. She did die for a while there, but we brought her back.  
  
There's that word again, we. I've never really truly saved Buffy. There's always been someone else. With the Master it was Xander. I realize that I probably could have given her CPR. Sure, I don't have to breath, but now I do it all the time. I guess I sorta got her away from The Three, but I didn't kill them. I did save her from the judge only to start working in cohoots with him after I became Angelus. I couldn't save Miss Calendar. I certainly didn't lend a hand when she turned 18 or at the slayer-fest. I saved Xander's life once, if that counts for anything, and Willow's too. But when I saved Willow from the psycho watcher, Buffy was the one to kill her. When I saved Xander from Faith, I ended up rehabilitating her! How many other half ass jobs have I done? I'm sick of counting.  
  
I want to yell at Buffy and scream at her for how stupid she is being, but I can't seem to pry my arms from around her body. She's so warm and pliant, but I can tell she's a little scared of me. No doubt she thinks I'm here to get her back, but frankly, I couldn't care less about Cordy.  
  
Sure, she's a friend that has a big role in my life, but Buffy is my life! I do everything for her. I fight the good fight. I try to be a good little vampire! I even drink pigs blood when I know I could get the real thing from the hospital for free. Why? I thought one day when everything faded away and all the guilt, anger and evil was gone, she'd be there with open arms. I guess a tiny part of me expected her to wait for me. I'm not only good at doing things half-ass, but I'm also naive! More points for me!  
  
When she moved on with Spike, I think I went a little nuts with the whole Cordelia thing. I know that Sunnydale has its own apocalypse problems which makes me wonder why she is here... The first is back! My bones scream out because I know it's close to the end. I can't tell anyone about it though. It would cause panic, and as much as I've wanted to run to Sunnydale and try to save the world, I didn't want to see her with him.  
  
"Buffy. Love-you-" Jesus, I'm still holding her like she is my lifeline. I just told her that she was in hell, but I didn't explain. Usually I don't. I end up saying things, leaving and then thinking about how people took them the wrong way later. I brood on it for a while and then I don't bring it up because as I said before, I do everything half-ass.   
  
I'm in hell too. Why you ask? Regretfully, she just stopped me from doing the one thing I'm good at...going away.  
  
Yep, I was this close to opening those blinds, but she had to get my attention. When The First originally made its stop into my life, she saved me. I tried to kill myself then too. Now that I've been getting visits, it has let me in on all the Sunnydale gossip, particularly all the stuff about Buffy that hurts like hell. Sometimes I don't know if it's twisting the knife she put in me, or shoving in a brand new shiny one.  
  
By the way Buffy just sits there and lets me hold her, I can tell she doesn't want to understand. I'm mumbling, fumbling and falling down. I can feel it. She's like this huge wall I used to lean on, obviously she has termites... I'm a loser.  
  
Finally, she has the courage to push me away. I can see the pain in her eyes. She's expecting me to kill her. I think a small part of her wants me to. She's looking for that damn crayon. I think she wants to tell me something, but I don't know where it is.  
  
I'm pretty sure she hates me. She wanted me to pay for Cordelia by taking her away. I don't know what changed her mind.  
  
"Buffy-" It's about the only thing I'm capable of saying. I'm still sitting on the edge of her bed, but she's starting to scoot away. She's shaking her head 'no' frantically now. I haven't an idea what to make of this. There was a time when I could tell exactly what she was thinking. We were connected by the bond we shared. Now that's all but severed completely.  
  
Why does she have to look so good? She's just sitting there in her hospital gown, being her gorgeous self. I remember the last time she was in the hospital like this with a bandage on her neck. I'm starting to notice a pattern with us.  
  
Buffy had almost given me her life so that Faith's poison wouldn't work. I remember when the doctor thought I was on drugs. That was funny, but I did break that door which was embarrassing.  
  
Before Giles and the gang arrived, I sat by her bedside. For a few minutes she came to and asked me to hold her. It was kind of like this, except for the pushing me away part. The agonizing guilt and shame was the same.  
  
How does someone apologize for being a total asshole? I have no clue, but I have a lot of practice and I get the feeling I'll be doing it a lot from now on.   
  
Slowly, she's inching her hand over the blankets towards mine. When I feel the contact, I know she's trying to get me to explain to her. She can't ask for the obvious reason.  
  
I want her to forget what I said about being in hell. I was babbling. "You're not dead, Buffy. You're going to be fine. I'm not here to hurt you." Her eyebrows go up in question. I think she wants to know why I AM here. I'd like to know that too. Why did I come to see Cordy on a Tuesday? Usually I come on Wednesdays. Did I know somehow that I had to be here? Is the connection we have still binding, or is it coincidence?   
  
It isn't like I've made any effort to see her since I stood her up when she came back from the dead. I couldn't look at her then, it was too hard. I knew that I'd forever be addicted to the drug she was if I saw her after Willow brought her back. She was dead to me, and I wanted to keep it that way.  
  
Now, I'm finally seeing what my selfishness did to her. If only I had gone to see her, maybe said a hello... It's too late now. It's been so long since I've touched her. On her mother's funeral, she asked me to stay, but I refused. I should have stayed. That was my last opportunity to love her like she deserved. Maybe if I had, she wouldn't have died with Glory. Perhaps, I would have seen what was going on and been able to save her, but no. Again, I needed distance.   
  
I lie a lot. I've noticed it. I told her I was leaving for her when we argued in those sewers, but deep down, I left for me. I couldn't be with her the way I wanted, so I split. I'm such a guy.  
  
She's squeezing my hand, and I can see the tears in her eyes as if they were my own. "I'm so-sorry."  
  
"I don't forgive you. You're scum. I can't wait to get my fingers around Cordy's neck and kill her." It sounds like Buffy. I'm rubbing my eyes, I've pulled my hand away from her. She looks hurt, but what the hell just happened. I can hear her voice, but she isn't opening her mouth.  
  
"Over here-lover." Then, I see her-it. The First is sitting next to Buffy.  
  
"You're not Buffy. You're not even human." Why doesn't The First ever just leave me alone! I'm trying to talk to Buffy, my one true love, and it's messing things up.  
  
I'm not noticing the way the way The First is looking at me, I can't. If I look at it, then I might start believing that it's telling the truth. My eyes stay glued on Buffy's.  
  
"You're such a slut Angel! How many times have you fucked Cordelia? Oh yeah, none! That's because you're a eunuch right?"  
  
"You're the slut!" Why did I just lower myself to name calling with it? I have no idea. My voice was low and deadly. If the first was corporeal, I'd be kicking its ass right now.  
  
"Ouch, that's mature. The next thing you're going to do is go off and fix things with Cordelia right? Tell her how much you love me? That's a joke."  
  
"I don't love YOU!"   
  
Why is the first laughing at me? "You're such prince." Then, it went up in a cloud of smoke. I don't think it bothered Buffy that much, but she's looking at me like I just ran over her dog. Her hands are over her eyes, and she's started to cry openly into them. The sobs sound pathetic too, because of her throat.  
  
Oh shit! I'm a sucker! The First couldn't be seen by Buffy! She thought I was talking to her! Damn it! Damn it! FUCK! Great, now all of my hard work is gone. Speaking of 'hard'. Jesus Christ!  
  
I reach out slowly, to place my hand on her shoulder, but she whimpers and pulls away. I bet she hates me right now. She thinks I am the biggest asshole in the history of the world. I am. I admit it because right now all I can think about it throwing her against the bed, parting her thighs and pounding her into the mattress. I just want her to stop crying, and that's the best way I can think of.   
  
Buffy always enjoyed sex. I think that's why she went out with Riley. He put out, and the whole Spike thing? Come on, be real. I hope she doesn't love him, but I'm getting the inkling that she does have feelings for him. I bet that's what Spike would do in this situation, throw her on the mattress until she stopped crying and started to scream his name. The imagines are assaulting me now, and I wish they'd stop.  
  
As much as I wished I was Spike these past few months, to be in such close contact with her... I'm not him. I don't act on what I want.  
  
"Buffy-" She flinches again and started holding a pillow close to her chest. She grabs the other one and hands it to me. I don't know why she's doing this. Does she want me to lay down next to her or something?  
  
She won't stop, and I can't talk. He neck is starting to bleed from under her bandage. I can smell the sweet slayer blood. I can't stop my face from slipping into game mode. Oh great, now she's scared even more. I'm not going to bite her or anything.  
  
Shockingly, she's just ripped off the bandage and moving her head to the side. She wants me to bite her? Her eyes are shut tightly as she starts scooting closer to me. Oh God, her hands are on me. What is she doing? They are going lower and lower- I guess I never should have explained to her that sex always made me hungry. Damn it!  
  
My mind is whirling, and she looks so tempting sitting there like that, fully open to me. Her neck is practically healed already from slayer abilities. There's only a dot or two of blood and a scar that's unnoticeable.   
  
"Bite me, Angel" I see she's got her voice back. My breath hitches in my chest, though it's unneeded.  
  
She's saying something else, but I'm not listening. I know I should explain about The First and tell her how I feel, but all reason has left me by now. Her hands are gliding up and down my chest as she moves herself to be in my lap. I can't stop my own hands from running over her back roughly. She's in the right position and her forehead is resting on my shoulder. Buffy's neck is right there. I want it so badly too. Hey, if she was going to kill herself anyway, why not let me do it?  
  
As I sit in indecision, her hands reach even farther down and grab at my hardness. Her fingers are so nimble and smooth as she runs down my length quickly. I bent my head down to lick up the blood already on her neck. As the ambrosia touches me tongue, I pull away. I can't do this. I can tell she's disappointed.  
  
I never could say no to Buffy {that's a joke!}, so I don't push her away completely. I'm so stupid, but I'm pushing my cock up into her hands. She's had more experience with this which makes me mad and jealous, but hey-I've got hundreds of years on her. I was Spike's lover before she was anywho.  
  
Her warm little fingers feel like a heaven I've long been denied. It feels so good. She always did know the right amount of pressure. I remember that Halloween a long time ago, when there was that curse where everyone was turned into who they dressed up as.  
  
Though, I don't think Buffy remembers what we did. Miss Elizabeth and I ended up in a closet before she saw that I was a vampire. She was always a spitfire and I'm pretty sure that her and I would have gotten along well if she had been human at the same time I was. Not counting the forgotten day because we obviously got along then.  
  
I don't know why I'm suddenly thinking of this right now, I should be thinking other things, more delectable things, but oh well. I'm a classic brooder and digressor.  
  
Anyhow, we were walking into the kitchen when she pushed me up against the wall. I was surprised because a second ago she was complaining about how I didn't have a musket. Being the dumb questioning one that I was, I asked. I can still remember what she said and did...  
  
Her hands traveled down my shirt and grabbed at my belt buckle. It was strange because we hadn't gotten anywhere in our relationship like that yet. I was shocked, but not appalled. I know that I should have stopped her, but it was too good.  
  
Buffy looked so innocent but there was a burning in her eyes that I think made me fall even deeper in love with her that night. This is me going of topic again. I'll get back to what she said, 'This is all the musket I need.' At first I didn't get it, but after a second or two I was drooling!  
  
What she's doing to me, feels similar except she's starting to apply too much pressure.  
  
"Buffy?" I managed to squeak out. SHIT THAT HURT!   
  
"Asshole!" I tried to get her off of me, but she wouldn't stop. With all of her slayer strength and probably all the anger she possessed, she began holding me super tight. Shoot me, gut me, stuff me!  
  
"Stop it!" I didn't mean to hit her, but it just happened. I slapped Buffy, but the good thing was that she let go. I don't know what is wrong with her or why she's acting this way. Oh wait yes I do! She just heard me tell her that she isn't Buffy, is a whore and I don't love her. I sure do wish The First would leave me alone sometime, oh I don't know- how about SOON!   
  
Her hand is covering the spot on her cheek. I can't even look at myself. Not that there is a mirror around, but if there was I guess it wouldn't matter. I've driven her to this pathetic, shriveling bitch! I'm sorry, I love her, but she's crazy! And it's all my fault. Great, now I feel guilty again. Damn my stupid soul.   
  
"Buffy." I tried to make it sound as loving as I possibly could, but it didn't sound that way. I know it came out harsh and mean. All we ever end up doing is hurting each other. I'm reaching my hand out to her, and I think she's starting to growl! I'm the one who growls!  
  
"Don't touch me. I can handle you being mad at me and hating me, I can handle you calling me names or hell-even killing me, but don't touch me unless you plan on it being your last. Don't apologize either. I guess it's a soul thing the vampires have going on. You can't help it that you heart is made out of silly putty. It must be addicting for you guys to love the wrong people."   
  
I don't know what she's getting at, but I do know that I'm truly an imbecile. I wish I could erase everything I've ever done. I wish I wasn't born. Maybe Buffy could have loved Riley, but I'm glad she didn't. Willow told me. She'd probably be happy with a kid or two by now. Dawn would have nieces and Spike would be dead. That thought alone makes it worth not existing at all, not to mention the scores of people I've murdered.  
  
I think I should go, just walk away. I can see I've harmed her enough of one lifetime. Everything I do backfires. Maybe if she thinks that it's truly over for us she'll move on for good. But last time she thought that, she slit her throat, so maybe not...  
  
I wish she'd stop looking at me like that as I buckle my pants. Oh God! There is blood down there! She drew blood. I so don't want to go home and see exactly what she did; it still hurts! She was the one to unbuckle them and do her 'business'. Buffy's making me out to be the pig in this room. What am I kidding? Or course I'm a pig, and she has blood under her fingernails. Now she's laughing at me!  
  
Answer me one question. I don't know who is listening to me right now, but I want to know this. Why do I end up making a joke out of everything serious in my life? I'm a big goof! Great story for the watcher's diaries. I can see the headline now. 'How a slayer castrated her ex-vampire lover with her fingernails'. Sometimes I wonder if the real gypsy curse was to eternally be a dork.  
  
To be Continued...  
  
Psst... he's not really castrated. He's just being dramatic. I thought it was funny, oh well. 


	5. What the F?

**************************Part 5*****************  
  
What is Angel's problem? I don't know. I feel a little guilty about hurting him, I can see his blood underneath my fingernails... I lie. It felt great to see him in pain! It was ethereal to watch him struggle against me. I really enjoy holding power over him. Maybe that's because I always pictured him as pushing my buttons.  
  
I don't know what I did to deserve his hatred, but I guess it goes both ways. My mind is still trying to process the fact that he just called me a whore and told me that I wasn't Buffy. I guess I don't act like the Buffy he knew and loved. If he even loved me in the first place which I doubt. Hey, at least I got laid. That's a sick way of looking at it, I know.   
  
Looking at him, I can practically see his body healing by searching his eyes. I wish he didn't have those damn healing abilities. It's as if he can just patch himself right up whenever he is hurt or torn. My heart's been breaking for years, but my slayer powers don't let me ignore the pain and move on.  
  
Maybe that's what he did? Maybe his vampire healing put his heart back together after we broke away. Maybe that's the reasons he moved on? I doubt it. If he truly loved me, I'd have known it.  
  
The way his eyes are burning into my soul is scary. He still makes me want to turn to a puddle and fall over from the electricity that buzzes around him.   
  
I'm surprised that I got my voice back so soon. Yep, Slayer powers can heal the physical but never anything more. Sometimes I wish I was a vampire. I want to be empty like I am now, but free to do as I please.  
  
He's started to talk to me now. I guess I should listen. I can see he's afraid to touch me from what I could and will do to him.  
  
"Buffy-"  
  
Why does he say my name like that? Why does his voice float and sparkle and pop and melt into me? I'm trying my best to play the bitch which isn't too hard for me considering all the practice I have. He isn't aloud to see the pain in me.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
Did he just apologize? I don't get it? He hates me. I tried to kill Cordy and he's apologizing. Maybe he is trying to save his skin from my attack. He thinks I'll do it again no doubt. He doesn't know me at all if he thinks that. I could never really truly hurt him even if I tried. I guess he still does have all the power.  
  
I won't speak because I know my words will crack as his are doing. Why is his voice cracking anyway? I turn myself to the wall that I know Cordy is on the other side of. Did she just die or something? He's looking at me like something horrible just happened.  
  
"This is all wrong. I- The First-"  
  
So he knows why I'm here and he knows it's wrong. Angel can sense that I don't belong in LA because I should be in Sunnydale fighting demons and saving the world. This is great! They kick me out and he sends me back. I think maybe I should move to Alaska. LA was my hide away before it was his! I think it was at least. Why'd he have to come here in the first place? Why not move to Seattle!?! I know he likes rain. He probably wanted to be close enough to come see me and open all the fresh wounds so he would watch me suffer each time.  
  
DAMN HIM! Damn that cool, muscled chest and built arms. Damn that broad shoulder and sexy tattoo! Damn his toned abs and perfectly sculpted legs. Damn his hair that I could run my hands through all day and play with until my fingers fell off. Damn his eyes that I'm finding myself in. Damn the words that just escaped his mouth. Damn the love he just professed to me that would be undying. Damn his fingers and the tears slipping from under his eyelids.  
  
What did I just think? What? Hold up, rewind.  
  
"I love you Buffy. It was The First. It was playing with me. It was sitting next to you and pretending to be you and I thought you could see it too, but you didn't and- and I know- I'm so stupid!" He's sobbing into his hands now. Oh my God! He just said he loves me. I can feel my body tensing as I swallow the lump in my throat. Pain shoots up my side and he's mumbling now. I can't hear what he's saying, but I know he is speaking more to himself.  
  
"What?" Is he playing with me, trying to hurt me more? I won't cry yet. I wouldn't let him see me tear up if this is another sick game of his.  
  
He's looming up at me again with that scary presense he gets when he cries, and I let his wrap his arms around me. I know I should push him away in his broken state, but it feels so right. It feels like I'm flirting with him which is weird, so maybe I should say it's better-flying.  
  
He's squeezing me like he did the day he started to become himself again after he returned from hell. And the tears are the same ones he wept that day. He's saying my name like a mantra and I can't stop a tear from flowing down my cheeks as he caresses my hair. He always did enjoy playing with it as much as I did his.  
  
"I don't love Cordy, and I know you love Spike but,-"  
  
"Spike? Love Spike? Are you okay?" He thinks I love Spike. Is he crazy? Don't answer that question. Spike is a friend and I care for him, but never like I do for Angel. He's my salvation and here he is holding me and I'm smiling even though I don't fully believe in this yet.  
  
"The First said-" He can't finish so I will for him.  
  
"The First said-it told me about you and Cordy. It said you lost your soul because of her-that you two-" He's squeezing me again and I feel elated and joyful. The First is responsible for this. The First wanted me to suffer and him to suffer. That means The First needs to get rid of us both. It lied to me and tried to get me to hate Angel. It worked for a while...I regrt that now. I must admit that I believed every word it uttered. I guess I hadn't seen Angel in so long that I thought it was true anyway. He didn't even come see me after I came back from hell.  
  
"No, I love you. It's a lie." Now it's me who I hear sobbing. And it's he who is trying to calm me down. It feels so nice to be back in the arms of an Angel.  
  
Suddenly, a voice pulls us away from our reunion. "Well, isn't this sweet."  
  
I know it's The First without looking and I refuse to.   
  
Before I can utter a word out Angel snaps bitterly at it, "Go away! We don't need you. Leave!" His hold on me doesn't loosen and I don't want it to. I can feel that damned chest up against mine.  
  
I guess The First senses that there isn't anything it can do to hurt either of us anymore. It's lost this battle. I can't hear it anymore and I'm glad. This is heaven.  
  
It feels like forever is slipping away, melting down to the most primal entity of time. Angel is moving and I can't stop myself from saying how much I love him over and over. He's positioned himself behind me, as his arms stay wrapped around my body. His chest is warm from being so near mine. Usually when we are this close, I have lust in my thoughts, but right now, the only thing I can think of is how much I've missed being held and yearned to be his again, only him in the possesive sense of the word.  
  
His arms are so much bigger than Spike's. His lips on my neck are so much softer and send shivers down my spine. Spike's never bitten me either. Angels' fangs in my neck feels so much more erotic than Draculla's and I can feel the pleasure running thorough my veins.  
  
"Oh God!" It's coming out of my mouth before I can stop it. He's biting me, drinking form me and I think he's going to kill me. Why do I alwasy get so off topic that I don't notice when the big stuff happens. It's unbelieveable and I can't face the truth now. I was wrong. It was a game and I've lost.   
  
Angel's fangs are fogging my thoughts and breaking through my bandage and into my jugular. He's sucking and nipping fiercely at my pulse point and greedily bringing all of my life into him. I guess it is as good of a way to go as any.  
  
My body feels like passing out. My head is light and my body is arched in the heat of the moment. I'm not trying to struggle away from him. I don't to die, but I guess I don't want to face the fact that he doesn't love me. He doesn't care, and that is what pains me most of all.  
  
The one person I thought was going to be the one I'd live with and care about forever is the one who is killing me for good this time. The sad part is I still love him even as he's pulling out my soul. Why would he want me dead? Doesn't he love me? I don't understand this.  
  
To Be Continued...  
  
Dun Dun Dun... 


	6. It's the last thing he could do!

****************Part 6*****************  
  
Angelus' POV  
  
I've been sitting back enjoying this wild show for some time now. I can feel my subpartners unneeded breath when he pretends to use it. I can sense the anger that boils up in him watching her when she doesn't know it, but most of all, I can taste her blood in our mouth.  
  
When I saw Buffy on the floor in a pool of that same sticky goodness I'm now enjoying, I wasn't surprised. Soul boy has been neglecting the golden goddess for some time now. The fun part was watching the pain on her face. It the way I always wanted to see it but I never could quite get her to that point of despair. It's a slap in my face for me to know that peaches hurts her more than I ever could. I won't admit that to anyone else so don't go around telling the world or I just might have to kill you, got it?  
  
Back to the present, I'm shocked about what's happening now! Okay, no I'm not. This is great! He is actually drinking from her and isn't holding back! I think I'm seeing a new side to the blood partner I've shared this body with for a lifetimes and a few more. In my wildest imagination, I only wished he'd let his urges loose. Ah, who has a camera when you need one? Not that I could use it. Hey, I still don't have the use of any of my limbs!  
  
It was sickening when they did that love fest. 'I love you. It was The First who said all those naughty things. You're the one I want' and other blah of the kind that makes me want to throw up chunks. I didn't get why he didn't just throw our mate down and claim her again. Probably because he knew I'd come out to play and probably kill her anyway...   
  
But she is the finest thing I've ever seen when she cries. I wish I'd gone to Sunnydale when I was free, I should have. That would have been lots of fun, definetly more fun than Cordy and Faith were. Okay, bad to the fun part, I can taste the blood going down his throat as if I was holding the reins and for a second it feels like I am. Her body is getting colder as I suck at her wound , making it bigger. It's me who can hear her shallow breaths as she tries to stay conscious, but it is both of us that knows this is right. SO what if I may be using some sort of influence on him. t isn't like he will ever know I have it. If he did, then he'd get it fixed or something and everyone would- Hey! Why am I telling you this? You do have a very big mouth. I have read spoilers before you know. Hell, I knew I was going to be sent back to hell even before it happened! That wasn't any fun! Why don't you try to kill your mortal enemy and having a voice in the back of your head screaming that 'Buffylover58385' said you were going to loose. That's why I got rid of my internet hookup. Damn, I'm digressing! You probably want to know what's happening with sucking Buffy dry don't you? Yeah I thought so.  
  
Angel's pulling out now, I guess he's realized what he's done. I can't wait for him to start feeling guilty for killing her. I can only imagine what kind of hell he'll put himself through. I bet he'll go back to eating rats or maybe he'll let me come out to play! I'm almost dying in anticipation! She's about to die too! I need to communicate to him something. He's just looking at her with an expression I beleive is of horror.  
  
'What are you doing?' I find myself barking at him angrily from inside. I don't know why it comes out that way. A second ago I wanted to see her cold form on the bed as I left to drain Cordy, but now it's different. A small part of me knew he'd stop before he could do fatal harm, but he didn't stop! She is ours, our perfect body to make, break and bend to whatever position mentally or physically that we desire. She'd given him complete control. I can feel the way she still lusts and loves both of us as she lets him kill her! I'm torn between permitting him do this and stopping him, but what could I do anyway? Wouldn't you like to know?  
  
'I'm making her mine forever.' Oh shit! I didn't think he'd even get the balls to do this! I didn't even think he could hear me, or did I? I'm one funny vampire huh? Laugh damn it!...I said laugh! Okay fine, what's the name of your dog so I can remember to write that on the wall under his corpse? That's it, keep laughing. I keep getting funnier damn it!   
  
I can feel his fangs biting into our wrist. Angel's going to offer it to her. He's going to change her! Wow, I'm losing my mind. Those thin threads we both used to hang onto feel completely vanished.  
  
Oh fuck yes! This is perfect! I feel like doing somersaults. I guess Soul man isn't quite as bad as I thought he was. I wonder if she'll accept his offer, but I know the answer to that question before she gorges her tiny little body on his blood.  
  
She's sucking at his offered immortality like it was the only thing to save her, and it is. I still can't get over the fact that he's doing this. He's supposed to be mister 'I'm good now'! He wants his shanshu and whatnot!  
  
Maybe he's realized what I've known for a long time. He isn't going to get humanity because he truly doesn't want it. He wants to live forever, but he wants to be with Buffy as much as I do. I'm glad he finally sees what the only action to take is. All that ending the world stuff was crap and I know it now. Acathla was stupid by my part, but we'll pretend it was all Josh. Yeah, I know about him... And don't worry, I already know the names of his dogs or mabe I should use the past tense on that one seeing as they are- well you get the picture! Me=stop digressing=now! yep, keep laughing!  
  
I know I should-we should, all three of us- run to Sunnydale when Buffy wakes and decapitate Spike. We won't because without him, the world won't go on. The First might be a bitch, but so am I. I know all about that necklace. And now that we'll be with her, I guess it's okay to let soulboy know how to save the world.  
  
I'm totally lost in the woods at how much passion she has in her. Buffy loves, lusts, yearns and breathes only for us. The latter she won't have to do anymore, but it'd be nice if she did. Angel and I have finally reached our middle ground. Phhht. Like that's matter! Give me a bra, I'll take your panties as mom always said. No, I don't think mom said that. Didn't the saying have something to do with a mile and an inch? Oh well. Just keep laughing and fluffy won't get the ax.  
  
I can feel it. We are half and half. I'm pretty sure it's going to stay that way and I don't mind. I guess I see that without him, Buffy wouldn't want me. She wouldn't be freely offering herself up as sacrifice for our needs. Damn, I'm going to enjoy killing Cordy! Maybe Buffy will want to go to Ireland with us and see where we first met each other in that alleyway. It's going to be fun showing her the world and everything in it. And of course everynight in bed with that wild trollop with be exquisite.  
  
Angel's staring down at her face as she pulls his life into hers. It's incredibly erotic the way her green emeralds dance with flame. I can't wait for her to rise. I'm her sire! Wow! It's a big achievement for me considering I'm not even in control all the way, partially. Hey, I did convince the big poof to go out and kill a few dogs. But that was after he read the spoilers about him being in love with Cordy. So I doubt I can get full credit for that.  
  
I can't help but laugh inwardly when Angel tries to pull his wrist away from her mouth. She won't let him, and it's hilarious. My little sexy slayer keeps sucking at it and keeps drinking us, and taking us into her. I've always had the fantasy of Buffy in a threesome. I never thought it would be like this, but it'll do.  
  
The End...  
  
I love the way I ended this...yippee for me! Working on 'He's A Pillow Away'..which is the ever so delightful sequel.  
  
Feed ME! I'm feeling sad without feedback... :' 


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